Monday, December 5, 2011

Swimming, not Sinking


It's basically how I process everything. Or rather, it is the evidence produced when I am processing overwhelming emotion.

Overwhelming emotion.

It's basically the only thing I feel. I know. Seems like a bit of an exaggeration, but I promise, it's not.

Blessed with the curse of over feeling everything.

It is a curse because I find it difficult to even watch movies with other people given that I WILL tear up at some point, almost without exception. A curse because I am sometimes seen as irrational, even though water in my eyes doesn't cloud my judgement or any further reaction. It's not like I go into hysterics.

They're only tears.

A blessing because there's something beautiful about feeling love so deeply, that the evidence of it pours from your eyes. Beautiful to feel love at that depth, easily, any time you apply your mind to it for a mere moment.

A blessing because there's a divine serenity that I can't even begin to describe that comes from feeling another's pain. Not to wallow. Simply to empathize. Only it's not simple. I feel like I am empathizing from the deepest depths of my soul.

I also have a difficult time being around people who are always low. I can't seem to be around people without feeling their feelings, so to continually spend time with someone who cannot be uplifted is like having the life sucked out of me.

It took me 30 years to stop resisting this. It's something I always disliked about myself. It made me feel weak. Don't yell at me, I'll cry. I came to a place, though, through countless hours of self analyzation, meditation, and prayer, where I now see it as something that defines me as strong.

I am more powerful by owning my emotions, tears and all, because it is the extreme depth of feeling that moves me.

I cannot TOLERATE injustice. I nearly marched down to Short's school to stand up for his friend because I felt he was suffering an injustice, and his own mother wasn't stepping up to the plate for him. I was absolutely ready, and willing.

If I see a hungry person, I don't just feed them. I FEEL for them, and actually feel a physical tug at my heart as I have a sudden outpouring of empathy and brotherly love.

I would love to volunteer at our local animal shelter, but I know I couldn't handle it. I cried all the way through that place with each pet we adopted from there. I would try to bring them all home with me. Mister put his foot down twelve years ago that we wouldn't have more than one animal in the house. We now have two dogs and two cats.

My point is, I think that when I embraced over-feeling everything, and stopped resisting it, I became more powerful within myself. And I also realized that being this way actually allows me to make a greater difference in the world. It might only be my small corner of the world, but to me, it is everything.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

We went to the tree farm on Saturday. It was a little muddy, but the ground was mostly frozen, so it really could've been much worse. Especially being that the temp was around 50ยบ.

First Saturday in December. Every year. I really love having our own family traditions. I love that it is just as important to Mister as it is to me.

Tall, Short, and Shorter all ran off into the trees to play hide and seek. Another tradition. Mister and I walked, and talked about how maybe when the boys have families of their own, we can all come out together, like this, only leaving with three trees instead of just one.

It cannot be described as anything but a gift from God to stand in a pine scented wood, listening to your healthy, happy children run about, and play. To be hand in hand with the love of your life, engaged in an annual reenactment of everything that is most important to you both.

It cannot be described as anything but a divine gift from God to feel gratitude, and love to such agonizing depths.

And then there were tears.

Thank you God, for filling my life with so much love and joy that there are tears.

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